It's been way too long to even go back down memory lane and try to grasp even an inch of the feeling of how exasperating and whatever I felt when I used to write.
All I want to do is light myself on fire and feel it consume every cell in my body and every remaining type of feeling in me. I want to see myself burn and I want to set the mound of synthetic materials I live in into flames too. I want to ignite everyone and everything and every feeling and watch it crumble into ashes and the wind blow it away into nothingness.
I am nothing. God, life, people, and circumstances have all made me realize I am nothing. I don't exist by own will, I don't control anything that happens to me, I don't control any other person or thing, and I don't un-exist at my own will either.
I wish I was a tree; or the wind; or a leaf. Anything ethereal but a person. I want to take off this apparel of feelings and worldliness off me and throw it in an ocean of fire.
I feel defeated but the truth is I was never even part of this war. I didn't start it, I'm not even the protagonist. Yet the effects of this war and the war scars and wounds have affected me the most. I feel robbed and marred. I feel homeless and insecure and uncertain beyond reality.
I don't want to be here. I don't want to be anywhere. I want to lose myself. Lose the weight off and of my skin, brain, heart, and bones. I feel so tired with all this weight on me. I want to sleep but not die. I want to smile but not laugh. I want to be alone and untouched. I want to lift all burdens off everyone that is associated with me regarding me. I want to be nameless and faceless.
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