Yet again after a very long time I have taken time out to write. There is just too much to write about now because the last few years have been very eventful and full of life lessons. Although most of these lessons are individualized and carry personal lessons, I think someone else might be able to benefit from them which is why I might share what I write eventually. For now I am just writing to let it out, and make myself believe that I still got the potential, as well as the whim. I may not be as good as I perceive myself to be, but I need to restore my confidence, and my love for writing. It is the only thing that has still held on to me with the same vigor and zeal I started with.
What should I write about first? Maybe the days from where my life seemingly started going downhill, about three years ago, when it seemed like nothing else could go wrong any further, the day I found out my father was going to be terminally ill. To date I still don't know for sure if he has Alzheimer's disease or not, the only thing I know for sure is that he is not there for me anymore. Three years ago, because of grief and stress caused to him by his own father and siblings, and the death of his best and only friend, and financial stress, and most of all, his unwillingness to face all these troubles, lack of spiritual strength, and inability to have even an ounce of faith, he ended up being as worn down as a demolished wall. His condition taught me a lot of lessons. Being only 23 years old at that time I learnt lessons that some people do not get to learn till the day they die. However, as grateful as I am to be able to endure this great setback in life, the feeling of not having a father when he is there is something that I will never get used to.
For eight years I did not get to see my father physically, from the age of nine till the age of seventeen because he was in another country working two jobs and did not have the facility to travel because of legal issues. When he finally came to visit I did not know who he was, neither did he know me. I have two younger brothers too who missed out on fatherly affection along with me, and not to mention my mother, who spent eight long years without the physical presence of a husband, fighting her days through with the harsh world that treats single women worse than barbarians.
No one realized how much time had already taken away from our family when it came to connecting with each other and being there for each other. We had never lived as a family so naturally we did not know how to be one. It is a sad reality that in today's world parents think their primary responsibility is only to cater for their children's material needs no matter how much it requires them to completely neglect their psychological and emotional needs. Human beings are made of two sole components, a soul and a body. No one can deny this. You might give it a different name but this is the core reality of all human beings. If we keep feeding just the body and neglect the soul then we are starving a whole half of ourselves and vice versa. This imbalance of soul and bodily/physical/material needs makes people worse than animals when they grow up. A few lucky ones realize the disconnect early on and are able to create a balance but others either become too involved in worldly activities or completely give up the world for spirituality.
In my case, my parents sacrificed their whole lives, a big chunk of of their married life, and time that they could have at least tried to spend with us three children for worldly gains-good education, the pursuit of a stable financial future, a house, car, and all other materialistic gains. I am undoubtedly grateful to them for providing us with sound worldly education, a house, and luxuries of life. However whatever we lost in this pursuit is irreplaceable unlike all the physical gains they traded for. Today my father cannot recognize me at times because he is ill. He is ill because he worked two jobs, nonstop for 15 years so that he could save something for us and retire in peace. His mechanical lifestyle, only 5 hours of sleep, and no time for vacation or to spend with us resulted in his physical breakdown. He failed to recognize the importance of feeding soul and body together. He never got time for religion, which is another discussion for another time, for family, and even for little things that made him happy as a person. He had lofty plans for his post retirement life. He had promised to take my mother to a cruise. He had planned to host an insanely grand wedding for me. However, he forgot to realize he is not larger than life. There is an invisible hand Who is Controlling our destinies. My father is the reason my mother and brothers came to the supposedly best country in the world but this country and its mechanical lifestyle sucked all life and all joy from our lives. Today my father stares at walls with an empty gaze. He does not remember anything. He is dependent on my mother for little and big things. He does not even sleep or eat until my mother asks him to.
It breaks my heart even today when I look at him. He was a the most humorous person I knew before this horrible disease took him. He was always laughing and making others laugh. He was also a very stern person, a demanding husband, and a caring father. Now he is just like a blank page, a black and white picture, with no colors of emotions, or life left in him. It does not matter to him what season it is, what date it is, and what is going on in the world. He has forgotten the dreams he set for himself. The day I got married I cried when I was leaving the marriage hall with my husband just because deep down inside I was still a scared little girl who just wanted her father to keep his hand on her head and embrace her while she left for a whole new world full of new challenges. All I ever wanted was the warmth of a father, the feeling of his presence with me all the time. When I was young he was away physically, and today when I am about to become a mother myself, he is still away but mentally. It makes me wonder if he had known the impact all the hard work and long hours at work would cause our family, would he still be up for it. Is it better to sacrifice some luxuries in life to have a healthy family or to keep toiling in pursuit of happiness which in most cases is synonymous to money and material wealth. It makes me wonder if I will raise my child in a similar environment, or will I first be there emotionally for him and then provide him with worldly things.
My diplomas, the house my parents have, which by the way is still not their own because it is mortgaged, our financed cars, being a citizen of this country, all of these combined cannot and will not ever replace my father and his presence for me. It will never fill the void I carry in my heart as a little girl to date. It will never recompense for all the tears that have accompanied me all these years just because I did not have my dad to turn to. I have no back up if someone bullies me, if someone breaks my heart, if someone hurts me. My dad will never again tell my mother to not bother me if she gets mad at me. He will never be there to hug me when life will bring me down just because he is not just not there anymore. He neglected his soul and in turn it left him, it left all of us. My mother and brothers have been equally affected by this traumatic experience, and all of us have our own way of dealing with it. I admire my mother's courage to still be living with my father and catering for his everyday needs like a child. I cannot imagine the amount of courage and patience it takes to live such a life. I get depressed even now when I see him. Initially I used to get insanely mad at him for being so weak emotionally that he let a few trials in life bring him down. But now I just pray for him, pray for his salvation before his body too leaves us and then all we will have are memories. Sometimes I wonder if it is better to live his life where he is in peace, free of all worldly troubles but all his troubles automatically got transferred to us. Now we have to worry about bills, and mortgage, and loans in his name. He just floats away in nothingness leaving us clouded by the consequences of his wrong decisions in life. If he had passed away, at least we would be able to move on in life. But he is stuck in a mirage and so are we with him. Someday it will all make sense, and someday I will meet him when he will know who I am, and embrace me for just being his daughter, not someone he could boast of for worldly things in front of other people. Yes, someday...