Day one

So finally we met.
I was asleep at 5:30 pm when he called and I jolted crying SHIT and losing my nosering in the process. I still don't believe I got ready for one of my most important meetings in life in just 15 minutes. Didn't even remember about the choris. Hurriedly dressed up bro, shot out of the house and faced the bad, bad Expo Center traffic. Got to the hospital, and well got 2 calls from him that he had been waiting long.
Well, got off and went towards the track. It was a bit dark so I couldn't make out it was him sitting right there, bilkul samnai, on those marble benches. He stood up as I came closer towards him, trying to make bro hurry, as we both smiled. And he said Salaam. And then he mispronounced bro's name. Then we sat and talked.

He looked so cute and unlike any of his pictures I had seen before he looked shy. Even today I tell him how amazingly beautiful his eyes are. They take me into another world, the world that he promised me, the world where I rule as his queen.

He told me the first time face to face that he loves me and I was too shy to say it back so I said I know. I still want to slap myself across the face for being so stupid. He travelled from the other end of the world to see me, look into my eyes and tell me that he loves me and this is what I said the very first time.

I fell in love with his almond eyes, his starry white smile. I fell in love with that black wavy hair that came on his face all the time and instead of tying it back he kept removing it from his eyes even though he had a rubber band that he chose to wear on his hand instead.

I wanted to take him home or freeze time so we could keep sitting forever on that bench-like area and that he would look into my eyes and shy away and I would do the same. His grinning and frequent chuckles, his laughter, there was not a thing that I didn't like, that made me even think twice that I had hasted into love.

I have asked myself INNUMEROUS times why I love you.
Your eyes, your smile, your lips, the perfect distance between your eyebrows, your skin, your hands, your hair, your temperament, your laughter, your sense of humor, your sense of criticism, your anger, your treatment of family, friends, and strangers. What is there NOT to love? Your heart, your heart made of gold. It doesn't beat for me anymore but I still love it. I love you, each and everything about you, the good and the bad. You were meant to be mine and I had you. I had you for a long time until you realized I wasn't worth it. And it is true, I'm not worth it. I've become somebody I never wanted to become. But nevertheless, regardless of how I changed and why, you are the only person I love to be mine and mine alone. That's another thing that ownership in this world always comes with payments with interest.

The Other Woman

It is probably the most testing trial a woman has to go through, to be the other woman or worse, to have to endure one.

Why would somebody endure another woman people ask? Why can't you just walk away or make him leave? Well, its not that easy. I might get mad and walk away but why should I be the one to give up all what I had and have? She was the one who came in later. She should leave, and if he chooses to leave with her then that's his choice.
There is another reason to endure her too. I am not an angel and have committed my fair share of sins so I deserve this. The "D" word-d e s e r v e. What did I do so horrible that I "deserve" to endure another girl and share my man? Well, I broke hearts and I can never forgive myself for it.

I keep tranquilizing my heart with excuses like I deserve it, I'm not attractive or good enough so if I leave I'm going to end up worse than I ever started, that nobody else would accept me when I tell them the whole truth about myself.
I would like to write about both sides of the picture. How do both women feel?
If I am the other woman then I am on top of the world. I get his undivided attention, his riches, his love, his adoration in a way that his own would never get. I get it all without asking and even if I drive him absolutely crazy he WILL come back. He only cares for me and what bothers me and what makes me happy. He would do anything for me, anything, except announce us official. Or he might even announce us official but he will still keep that other one. Why? Because she is the kind of woman that can take care of a home. I am the kind of woman who looks good with him, whom he takes pride in walking with, boasts to his friends about. I feed his ego, his heart, his unsatiable hunger for love. I complete him, and in a way such that according to him, given dire circumstances he will legalize us forever. He doesn't fear losing the first one because she will never be me. She will never complete him. She may be the start of his being but I am the end, I give his life meaning. She only gives the jist to it.

As the woman who has to endure the other woman, I wait everyday for him to give me my time. I fight with myself everyday and lose every time because I cannot bring myself to believe that this happened without a reason, that it happened even though I did not deserve it.
Yes, I am the love of his life and yes, he made all those promises to me but time changed what he wanted from life, what he wanted from love. His expectations changed, his demands changed. What he fell in love with me for now provides ground for peeving. He NEEDS the other woman. He needs her to give him entirely what he wants. One who is free from all obligations but him. One who can give him what he needs-love, closure, confidence, satisfaction.

The other woman is always more beautiful, prettier, better. She may not be more intelligent or smarter but she is what he wants. She gives his life profoundness, interactiveness, and excitement. Everything that grows, grows senile one day. In love, it is only the first woman that becomes senile. Her heart and her personality and her being is what grows old and outdated. A man's heart and his being needs color, brightness, satisfaction that can only come with having more than one woman love him, sacrifice their all for him, live only for him. God Forbid, if they have another man on the side, for any reason at all, then they are whores and they are unfaithful.

When I was young I abhorred male dominance in society. Now that I am an active part of it, I realize I cannot fight anymore. I have to accept things as they are whether I have to endure another woman or be one for somebody else. It is a man's world. Nobody could change it because at the end of the day a man will always get what he wants.

Baby are you down, down, down, down, down?

When the only people who can make me laugh at days like these are trapped on a virtual screen, I am bound to wonder yet once again why I landed up so alone.

I don't know if I am just plain unfortunate in friendship or if its always my fault being so self-engrossed or boring that I can't have good friends. By these friends I mean not my bffs who are always going to be there to lend an ear. I mean friends who I can call up at this hour, whom I can hang out with right now.

There are just too many things boggling my mind right now. For instance my unattractive personality, so unattractive that my own would rather spend time with somebody else. He doesn't even miss me anymore let alone love me madly like he used to.

What does it matter anyway? Its not like I crave a guy's love. I just crave being stress free, laughter, relaxation. I lost my friends one by one, those whose friendship was so cherishable and just simply amazing. Hg, Hg, when will you learn?

Sometimes I wonder whether I am just friend material. Whether guys only like me as a friend and nothing more because I am too boring or too emo. Or was, so I want to believe so.

Life is not short and I keep thinking that this is what I deserve for my sins. My justice lies in the Skies. "Adal", meaning justice. So I guess I'll just be patient, have to be.

Mannchalay is good, it makes me laugh, like Hannah Montana.